Maybe it's just not enough
by Lorii67
Summary: Oliver and Felicity in three years. Maybe it's just not enough.


**I wrote this a while ago and completely forgot about it. Hope you enjoy. I am on an updating weekend. Tonight Different Lives should be updated and a new chapter of To keep her safe. Thank you for all the reviews.**

* * *

><p>Felicity turned around and faced him, she'd been waiting for him to come home for a while now. Blue met blue as they both stood in place looking at one another, Felicity took a deep breathe. "I know I said …" her voice started to betray her and tears streamed down her cheeks. "I know I said I was ok with it … but I'm not ok Oliver" she bit the inside of her cheek to stop the sobs from coming out.<p>

Oliver remained in his spot not saying a word, what was he to say to that. He rubbed the back of his neck but still no words escaped his mouth.

"I love you so much … but I can't Oliver" she picked up her duffel bag and threw it round her shoulder and took hold of the suitcase her blue painted nails digging into the suitcase as she dragged it towards the door. Felicity paused and looked up at the man she loved, she pushed herself up on her toes and pecked him on the cheek. "I'm sorry … I love you" she sniffled as she finally left their front door.

Oliver still remained in place not moving, he hadn't said anything to her nor had he tried to stop her. He had just lost the love of his life.

* * *

><p><em>3 Years Earlier …<em>

It had been a crazy three years they had gone through so much, terrorist attacks, people coming back from the dead, people dying. The hardest part of all of it was losing the people that matter, the people they loved had fallen. But through all the darkness, through all the heartache Oliver and Felicity were finally together. After all the heartache and will they, won't they here they were finally in each other's arms. They laid in Felicity's bed Oliver had awoken early as usual and had been watching her sleep, she laid on her stomach snuggled to her pillow. Her bare back from the night before was out from under the covers. The urge to touch her was so deep but he did not want to wake her just yet. He waited a few more minutes but his urge fought and he leaned over and placed kisses on her bare shoulder, her back her neck. She moaned in pleasure "hmm" she smiled, her eyes still remained closed.

"Good morning" he placed another kiss on her shoulder chuckling when instead of rolling on her back she rolled onto him her back now pressed into his chest. Oliver wrapped her arm around her waist and buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"Did you think we would finally end up here" she whispered as she ran her arm down his.

"I liked to think so"

"Oh really" she said sarcastically, "how about we no longer talk about the past and just look forward to the future" now rolling back onto her stomach then rolling onto her side again so she could face him.

"So restless" he joked as he brushed her hair behind her neck, "I vote looking forward to the future too" he leaned in to kiss her but she moved back.

"Hmmm … morning breathe" she said groggily.

"I love your morning breathe though" Oliver laughed as he pinned her down and laid onto of her planting his lips on hers, he could feel her smiling finally opening her mouth allowing him access.

"Did you work out because you're really sweaty?" she asked in between kisses.

"Hmmm" he said as he began to trail kisses down her neck.

"How about we kill two birds with one stone …" she leaned her lips to his ears and whispered "shower" sending shivers down his spine.

"Shower" he repeated as he jumped off her, pulling her legs and lifting her into his arms as he walked them towards the bathroom chuckling like a bunch of teenagers.

A couple of months had passed and Oliver and Felicity had been like two people on a constant honeymoon. They sneaked away whatever chance they got to be together, they couldn't keep their hands off each other and would sneak in kisses at every opportunity. It drove the rest of their team, their family crazy, everyone is overjoyed and happy for the pair but no one wanted to see it on constant display. Diggle had a go at them one night when he came down to the foundry and found them messing about in the lair on the med table. Felicity had been completely humiliated and embarrassed and Oliver had found the whole thing funny. It was not the first time that someone had walked in on them. After the battle with the League of Assassins Oliver and Felicity moved in with Roy and Thea. The two youngsters had set rules for the happy couple rules which meant in their presence they had to keep their hands away from each other, if they could do it then so could they.

Felicity and Oliver had decided to take a shower together completely unaware that Roy was home he had walked in on them. Lucky for them the shower door was closed but Felicity yet again had been left red faced as Oliver laughed. Roy on the other hand had decided not to leave them be but have a go at the two who stood very, very naked behind the shower door.

Felicity and Oliver were very deeply in love, they had three years to make up. Everything worked better for the team, they worked in sync finished each other's sentences and thoughts, they did that before they were dating but held back at times on the awkward front.

John and Lyla had needed a babysitter for Sara and Felicity had volunteered immediately, she loved babies especially baby Sara. After Oliver and Felicity had moved back into Felicity's townhouse Oliver had come home to find her and baby Sara playing with blocks on the floor of Felicity's living room.

"Hey" he said as he walked in, baby Sara still made him anxious and nervous but the sight that greeted him when he came home brought further anxiety and stress. He watched as Felicity turned Sara and helped her hand wave at Oliver. Oliver began to panic the sight of Sara made him nervous the thought of children made him nervous. "What is Sara doing here?" he asked nervously as he made sure he was standing as far away from them as possible.

"Digg and Lyla are out for dinner so we are looking after this angel give mommy and daddy some time alone" she said in her baby voice causing Sara to giggle.

Oliver nodded and quickly went into their bedroom, he did not like this at all, he didn't want Sara here with them he could feel his hands trembling, the fear of something happening not being able to protect Sara. Oliver worried about having an innocent baby anywhere near him, for him to somehow taint that child, for him to cause them harm, bring enemies upon them. That was why he did not like the idea of Sara being down in the lair or her being here in their house so close to him.

Felicity opened the door with Sara resting on her shoulder, "Are you alright?" she asked concerned and worry written on her face.

"Yes" he nodded his head but did not turn around to face her, "Just going to jump in the shower". Oliver walked to the shower his back still towards Felicity and Sara.

Felicity didn't know what had gotten into him but she decided to ask him later. She went back to playing with Sara, she fed her and changed and finally sang her to sleep. She placed Sara on their bed and placed a blanket over her. She left the baby monitor close and the door ajar. Once she returned back to the living room Oliver was sitting on a kitchen stool have a cup of coffee.

Felicity strolled over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind. "Oliver what is going?" she asked in a concerned tone as she rested her chin on his fore arm.

"I don't like Sara being here" he admitted since they had finally allowed their feelings well his feelings for her Oliver did not keep any secrets from her. He had shared his dark past, his story every detail and every memory and was both relieved and outraged that she had still remained by his side. She called him courageous and brave for doing what needed to be done to ensure he survived all the sacrifices he made to keep his family safe, he was her hero.

"Why Oliver she's just a baby" she raised her eyebrow.

"I can't … I can't taint her bad things happen around me I can't bring her into this I cannot allow my enemies to see her after tonight Felicity I don't want her ever coming round here it is bad enough that I allowing myself to be with you" he said in frustration. Felicity released her hold over him. She stepped away part confusion, part anger.

"So … I don't understand … what will happen when … you … we" she whispered, "I mean …."

"Not having kids Felicity" he revealed turning around and facing her. "I am sorry maybe I should have told you in the beginning but I don't want kids, I can't …"

"Ever" she whispered she rubs her thumb and finger together.

"Ever" he says with full force and conviction. "I'm sorry if it is what you want but it's not something I want ever … Felicity …" he held out his hands "I love you so much and I just hope I am enough … I'm sorry I just …" Felicity sees the look in his eyes his guilt and fear.

She took a moment to absorb his words, she loved this man more than anything he was all she had wanted since he walked into her office, she also always wanted children but if the man she loved didn't want children what did that mean. She shook her head and Oliver tensed afraid he had just pushed her away, had just ended things. He started to hate himself after everything they went through for it to end here and now.

"Ok … I … thought of children later on I will admit but … you are all I need, I love you more than anything, you are enough and this doesn't change anything" she surprised Oliver as she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. "I'll make sure Sara isn't …"

"Felicity … I made this decision a long time ago and I will not be changing it and if you …"

"All I want is you only you, always you" she tiptoed and embraced him in a passionate kiss. Oliver leaned his forehead against hers when they finally pulled away. The woman he loved just kept surprising him.

"You're remarkable"

"Thank you for remarking on it" she giggled.

* * *

><p><em>4 months later<em>

Oliver and Felicity were in their living room watching telly, Felicity was feeling a little mischievous, she sat on Oliver's lap and was insistent on giving him a couple of love bites on his necks; not that he was complaining. They had to get ready as they were invited to the Diggle's for dinner but they were stalling.

"Baby as much as …" he laughed as he felt her pout against his neck. "We need to get ready and go and they have something important to tell us" Oliver said as he stood carrying Felicity bridal style, her face still buried in the crook of his neck.

Putting her down he turned her round so she was facing the stairs he slapped her bottom lightly, "Go get ready"

"Fine" she hung her shoulders low still upset that they didn't take it to the next level.

Once they got to the Diggle's they were greeted by a baby Sara who had just started walking. Felicity quickly picked the girl up who wrapped her arms around her neck in a tight embrace. Felicity kissed her cheek several times before passing her back to Diggle. Oliver as per usual kept his distant but did greet her with a kiss on the cheek to which the little girl giggled.

After dinner they all sat in the living room with a glass of wine, Oliver and Felicity sat side by side laughing and giggling oblivious to Lyla who was not par-taking in the wine drinking.

"So what did you want to tell us" Felicity finally says her hand on Oliver's thigh as his hand is round her shoulder.

"Well, we wanted you to be the first to know" Lyla said excitedly as she looked at Diggle.

"We're pregnant" Diggle blurts out with a huge smile on his face.

Both Oliver and Felicity are silent for a minute. "Congratulations" Oliver says as he stands gives Diggle and pecks Lyla on the cheek.

"Congrats guys I am really happy for you, Sara is going to have a little brother or sister" Felicity squeaks in delight as she hugs them both.

* * *

><p><em>5 Months Later<em>

_"Oliver_ you should go and see him" Felicity says as she rubs circles on Oliver's knuckles. They had just found out that Sandra had lied about the baby and Oliver had fathered a 9 year old boy, Connor. Oliver still looked at his feet, not knowing what to say. "Hey" Felicity whispers as she tugs at his chin to look at her. "He is your son go, go see him, go get to know him" she smiles and kisses him.

* * *

><p><em>3 Months Later<em>

The Diggle's welcomed baby Grace into the world, they were blessed with another daughter, a sister for baby Sara. Everyone was at the hospital welcoming the new member of the family. It was Felicity's turn to hold baby Grace. She held her breath as she cradled her in her arms, she was tiny and gorgeous. As Sara looked more like Diggle baby Grace was all Lyla.

Oliver watched from the back of the hospital room, the woman he loved cradling a baby, his heart warmed at the sight but he quickly made sure he buried it.

"She is beautiful" Felicity says feeling the slight déjà vu of everything.

"She is" he smiles as they stand in the same corridor that they stood 2 year ago. He leans in and kisses her forehead and then her lips. Unlike last time the kiss was not a goodbye.

* * *

><p><em>2 Months Later<em>

Everyone was gathered at Laurel's and Ted's for dinner, in the past months Laurel had finally found herself in a good place. She and Ted married and everyone had gathered. An unlikely friendship was formed between Laurel and Felicity and both were glad to have found it.

Everyone sat round the dining table, Roy and Thea, Diggle and Lyla with their girls who were sleeping in Laurel's room, Captain Lance and Dinah. Felicity and Oliver sat at the table too and were make jokes and Felicity was trying to feed Oliver broccoli.

"Thank you for coming everyone" Laurel says interrupting everyone's conversations. "We have news" she smiles as Ted gets up to stand next to her. "I am pregnant" she exclaimed as everyone gasped and a few started to clap. Dinah and Lance were the first to get up and hug Laurel tightly and everyone else followed. Oliver felt Felicity tense next to him, he watched her face over the years he had grown accustomed to the different faces she expressed and their meanings. She had her thinking face on, he watched as she shook her head and bit her lip. Over the years he had also recognised the mask she put on her face as well. He watched as she slipped in on and he knew it wasn't because she wasn't happy for Laurel and Ted but it was because of something else. Felicity got up and hugged them both tightly, wishing them all the best.

Once Oliver and Felicity got home he watched her strip into his shirt and get under the covers, he did not want to ask her the question that threatened to leave his lips in fear that he could lose her.

"You coming to bed" she said. Oliver quickly crawled in and loved how she immediately wrapped her arms around him resting her head over his heart, planting a kiss before doing so. "Night, I love you" she yawned.

"I love you too" he kissed the top of her head.

* * *

><p><em>6 Months Later<em>

Oliver and Connor were getting on really well, Oliver was an amazing father but never wanted to hear it. He had told Felicity and others that the only reason Connor had turned out the way he did was because he was not in his life from the beginning to ruin it. He hadn't helped shape Connor in any way and that was why he was the kid he was. Despite Felicity's reassurance Oliver thanked the way his son turned out on his mother Sandra. Sandra had wormed her way into their lives, she would come round for dinner uninvited and would always tell stories of when Connor was younger. Felicity would never say she was jealous of Sandra because there was doubt in her mind of Oliver's love for her. But she was jealous of their family, the two of them as parents to Connor. There had been many times where they had gone out as a family, Oliver would always invite her but as a kid who grew up without a dad she would have killed to spend time with both her parents at the same time.

So Felicity always took a step back, she was ok with the three of them going out to museums, cinemas and dinners. She was happy for Oliver all the time he spent with Connor helped shine out some of the darkness that he was still insistent on having inside of him.

One night Thea and Roy had come round for dinner, Roy had proposed to Thea only months earlier after having a really difficult conversation with Oliver when he asked for her hand. Felicity never commented on the fact that she and Oliver had never discussed marriage. She knew that they were not going to have children but she believed that it wouldn't stop them from getting married. She never asked afraid of scaring him of losing him. He had never brought it not when Laurel and ted had gotten married and not when Roy and Thea had gotten engaged. Hell she didn't even bring it up when they had found out that Barry and Iris were engaged a few months ago.

But when Thea and Roy came round that night she didn't need for them to tell the news she knew immediately but she waited for them to share the news anyways.

"Ollie, did you hear what we said, I'm pregnant" Thea repeated once Oliver froze in his place. Felicity smiled and embraced the young couple which she was extremely fond of and had adopted as a brother and sister.

She stood back and let Oliver have his moment with Thea and Roy. There was an ache in her heart however her friends and family were all settling down and here she stood in her home with Oliver not moving forward in their lives in any way. There was an ache in her heart because she knew that she would never experience what Thea, what Lyla, what Laurel and no doubt what Iris would be experiencing in their lives. There was a small hole in her heart, Oliver was always enough for her she knew that but she couldn't help but notice that missing something.

Once Thea and Roy had left and Oliver's nerves had stopped he watched Felicity who stood in the balcony looking out at the world.

He wrapped her arms around her waist. "I can't believe my baby sister is pregnant" he said in a low voice.

"I know but … she will be an incredible mom Oliver and Roy will be an amazing father" she turned and kissed his cheek as she went back inside to run herself a bath. She made a quick exist hoping Oliver hadn't noticed the tears. She had done that a lot, cried, she had started crying in secret from Oliver. Oblivious however was that she didn't know that he knew, Oliver would hear her cry in the bathroom and had noticed the tears streaks her on cheeks, her had noticed her red eyes. But he never said anything.

* * *

><p><em>7 Months Later<em>

Despite thinking that things would get awkward for Oliver and Felicity they were the same they had always been they still held each other, made love to each other and were still happy and growing strong. They stood in the hospital room Thea had just given birth to a baby girl. She was absolutely beautiful and she decided to dedicate her name to Oliver. Thea had given birth to Olivia Dearden Harper. Felicity was content and ok with not having a baby but it all changed the moment Oliver held Olivia.

Her breath caught in her throat as Oliver cried tears of happiness and looked down at the baby girl with complete joy and love. She swallowed the lump in her throat knowing that he would never do that for them, they would never have that sort of moment.

* * *

><p><em>3 Months Later<em>

It was Connor's 10th Birthday. They had all gathered at Sandra's house. Felicity and Connor got on really well and he loved learning about technology from her. However on this day Felicity had never felt more alone and isolated from anything in her life. She watched as Oliver and Connor played soccer with Sandra. She watched as numerous photos was taken of the three on them. She was not jealous of Sandra she was jealous of the family they had, the family they shared. They had a bond and bond she would never share with Oliver or anyone else for that matter.

Felicity smiled as Oliver had the biggest grin on his face how he lifted his son in the air and spun him round. She loved watching him play fight with his son and watched how he only made the smallest of movements and gestures in fear of hurting him.

She looked round at her family which had gathered. Thea and Laurel were feeding their babies, Laurel had also had a baby girl which she named Matilda Sara Grant. She looked to where Roy was working the barbecue and where Lyla and Diggle played with their little girls on the bouncy castle.

"Aunt Lissy" a small voice said she hadn't noticed how late it had gotten.

"Hi Sara" Felicity said as she pecked the girl on the cheek.

"Aunt Lis" baby Grace squeaked, she had learned how to say her name and it always warmed her heart.

Felicity heart twisted in pain every time she was called aunt. She knew when baby Olivia and baby Matilda learned to talk that she would be aunt Lissy to them too.

"Felicity" Connor called, "thank you for coming and my present" he hugged her.

"You're welcome" Felicity smiled.

"Do you know where dad is?" they boy asked innocently.

"Dad?" Felicity questioned. He had never called Oliver that even after learning the truth it was always Oliver.

"Yeah it's kind of like my present to him" Connor chuckled, "I asked if he was ok with me calling him dad and he said he was" he smiled and waved as he left.

Felicity ran and found the bathroom hiding inside, she turned on the tap as she started to cry, she had been surrounded by children calling their parents mom and dad. She watched as Grace and Sara called mom to Lyla on so many occasions. Baby Matilda was in the stages of saying Mama to Laurel. And in several months' time baby Olivia would be doing the same thing.

It was almost bearable, but now, now Connor was calling Oliver dad. It was like the cherry on top of the icing. Everyone was a parent, their children called them mom and dad, even the man she was with he had a son, a son who called him father. She was never going to get that, she would never be called mom.

Once they got home Oliver had noticed the silence that filled the car journey home.

"Are you ok?" he finally asked when they got home.

"No, no I am not" she said in a low voice. Taking a deep breathe she faced him. "I am not ok, I will never be ok I know, I know I said that you are enough, we just us is enough … it's not" tears pooled down her cheeks.

"I …" she bite her lip, "I want a baby, I'm sorry but I do … I stood at the party and looked round as all our friends are parents, I watched their children call to them, hugged them, kissed them, played with them" she took of her glasses as they began to fog. "Everyone is a parent, even you and I am happy for you Oliver so happy and I am so happy that he is started to call you dad … but I will never be mom I will never be someone's mom … because you don't want … you won't give me a baby … give us a baby" she cried.

She pushed past him and started stripping into her pyjamas not bothering to wear his shirt like she normally did. Oliver followed and stood back watching.

"I want a baby and I know you are not going to give me one" she nodded as she started to take off some of the pillows on the bed. "But I also … where do we stand" she asked.

"What?" he finally spoke.

"I am your girlfriend … and I don't want to sound like the crazy girl who asks when are we going to get married but … do you want to … ever want to get married … never been brought up before … will I just … always be your girlfriend" she shrugged. "I … no matter what I will just be Felicity the girlfriend" she yelled.

"That is not true" he shouted back.

"Yes it is … no more … I … no matter what … you share something and bond with Sandra because you both have something in common Connor, she is the mother of your child and … I'm not saying that there is something happening before you … get it twisted … but"

Oliver remained silent.

"I want marriage and children" she got into bed and turned her back to him.

Oliver left the room and went into their spare bedroom. He replayed everything she said, why was he being stubborn, he loved her more than anything, why, why couldn't he give her what she wanted, what she deserved. He was frightened. He was confused and pissed, he didn't know why he was frightened, he had a son already, his sister had a baby, and they all had children. Oliver began to cry as he laid flat on his back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. He pictured Felicity walking down the aisle, he pictured her pregnant with his baby, their baby.

The next morning Oliver had left for work, Felicity had bothered moving from bed and he found her in the same position as she got into last night.

* * *

><p>"Why are your bags packed?" Oliver asked, he had just come home and was met with the sight of his girlfriend's bags packed in the corridor.<p>

Felicity turned around and faced him, she'd been waiting for him to come home for a while now. Blue met blue as they both stood in place looking at one another, Felicity took a deep breathe. "I know I said …" her voice started to betray her and tears streamed down her cheeks. "I know I said I was ok with it … but I'm not ok Oliver" she bit the inside of her cheek to stop the sobs from coming out.

Oliver remained in his spot not saying a word, what was he to say to that. He rubbed the back of his neck but still no words escaped his mouth.

"I love you so much … but I can't Oliver" she picked up her duffel bag and threw it round her shoulder and took hold of the suitcase her blue painted nails digging into the suitcase as she dragged it towards the door. Felicity paused and looked up at the man she loved, she pushed herself up on her toes and pecked him on the cheek. "I'm sorry … I love you" she sniffled as she finally left their front door.

Oliver still remained in place not moving, he hadn't said anything to her nor had he tried to stop her. He had just lost the love of his life.


End file.
